The NotSo Secret Journal of Juliet Burke
by thoughtsdropin
Summary: What I imagine Juliet's journal would look like if she kept one. *DATES ARE AS ACCURATE AS POSSIBLE. I'm using Lostpedia, but exact dates are not known for every event, so some guess work is needed. Mentions of Jacket, Bennet, Skate, Jate, most Losties
1. November 9, 2004

_November 9, 2004_

I went with Ben to the Pearl station concerning my new project today. It's one of the crash survivors: Jack Shephard. He's a spinal surgeon, and Ben thinks he'll perform surgery on him. I'm supposed to _break him_... I'm not quite sure what Ben means just yet, but knowing him, he'll be overly specific later. I saw him on the monitor... He's pretty cute. I said that in front of Ben, and the look on his face was priceless. After him showing me Goodwin's dead body, I've made every effort possible to make it clear that I'm not his, and this was one of those efforts... Although Shephard is cute!

I never wanted to agree to this project. Ben wanted me to do it because I'm "soft" enough. Another one of those things he hasn't explained to me. He keeps on promising that I can go home after my next project, but then when I finish it, he tells me I haven't found a cure for the pregnant women yet. It's impossible. We successfully allowed the birth of Littleton's baby, but she conceived off-island, which is a completely different circumstance. I told Ben to just let the mothers off their island from their second trimester until after they gave birth, but apparently Jacob wants a cure. I'm beginning to think Ben is Jacob. Not to lose faith or anything, but it seems that Ben's opinion can always be backed up by Jacob's opinion. I've never even seen Jacob! I've never seen Ben leave the barracks for a long period of time either. It's probably part of his plan to "take what someone's emotionally invested in and exploit it." When he said that about Shephard today it made me realize how many times he's exploited me. Goodwin, Rachel, Julian. What if everything he's been telling me is a lie? What if his own feelings for me are a con to manipulate me into staying? Benjamin Linus is the one person on this island who has made me feel weak, feel vulnerable. He manipulates you in a sort of subconscious way, like you're the one manipulating yourself.

I've decided to come up with a plan to fix this. I'm a grown woman, I can take some initiative over my own life. I think I know a way I can deal with this, but I have to work out the finer details...


	2. November 19, 2004

_November 19, 2004_

I just came back from the Pearl station again, except this time it was more urgent. Ben went for a walk yesterday, and he never came back. I looked at the feed of the Swan station, and it turns out he was taken by the crash survivors! Everyone here at the Barracks is in shock, and looking to Bea for leadership. I'm just glad it's not me. I'm not a leader... Never was, never will be, and for someone to ask for my advice right now might just tip me over the edge.

I came up with a plan to deal with Ben, and although it seems kind of cruel now that he's been taken, I still want to try. If I can really "break" Shephard (I asked Ben yesterday right before he left... He says to be "genuine, kind and somewhat flirtatious to gain his trust, and then other methods will be used to further break him down emotionally." Whatever that means.), then maybe I can get him to trust me enough to do me a favour. A rather large one. I'm going to film myself holding up cue cards telling him to "accidentally" kill Ben during surgery, and then show him the video under the cover of another one. If I move it close enough to the glass in the Hydra where Ben wants him kept, nobody should be able to see the television on the camera. It's really risky, and I'd be executed if anyone found out, but I can't stand Ben any longer. I need to get home. To see Rachel and to meet Julian. To get my normal life back!

Apart from that, there is one flaw, though. According to his file, Shephard's one of those guys that has a need to be a hero, that can't let anything go. He would never let a patient just die. The other thing his file says though, is that he's very dedicated to the ones he loves or cares about, and he seems to do anything for them. I'm not expecting him to fall in love with me, I don't want him to. I've had enough relationship drama in the past 3 years to last me a lifetime, and I went through a divorce before that. Still, if he really trusts me, or if I remind him enough of his ex-wife (I look like her according to Ben), maybe he'd care enough to do something for me.

It's funny, but when reading his file, I couldn't stop thinking that he's exactly the type of guy I'd fall for normally. Nice one, Juliet.


End file.
